[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
You Might Also Like
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.