If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
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ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
lmao
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.