[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
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‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
A dad and his duck
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.