So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
You Might Also Like
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
mentally somewhere in italy
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble