Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
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me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
[eulogy]
line?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.