Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
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[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.