The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
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My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Raisins are grape jerky.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I feel it
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.