* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
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Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great