We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
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Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
This pepper has seen some shit
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Guilty! 🤪
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
that wasn’t the question
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.