Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
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Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen