“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
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Sticker placement is key.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.