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She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*