Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
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a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-