completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
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One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.