My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
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DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.