The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
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Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
classic mixup
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.