Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
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Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.