WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
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When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.