You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
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when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Pizza is an emotion right?
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*