Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
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It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.