Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
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If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.