7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
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It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
next question.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
APOLOGISE NOW!!!