Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
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My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen