Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
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Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
This is my pinned tweet
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
no one ever comes back
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.