How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
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One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.