TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
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Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
i want to work in this restaurant
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.