ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
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Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Worst perfume name ever.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.