Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
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UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would