customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
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Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho