[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
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This is not me but this is me
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.