My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
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Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
i did the math
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.