My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
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{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
🍞🦆
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!