My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
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my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
🤣🤣🤣
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.