Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
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her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Morning.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.