Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
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I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.