Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
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Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”