GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
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abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?