You Might Also Like
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”