You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
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People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out