Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
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*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?