I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
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I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I cannot call her anything else now
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer