I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
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I hate when that happens.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Who knew!
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I saw this ending much differently.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.