I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
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Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium