I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
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I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Need this in my life lol
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.