Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
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Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.