Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
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I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.