If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
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Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
men, we mow at sunrise.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.