Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
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Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Mountain Goat : )
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Actually cracking up @ this
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.