A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
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Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED