*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
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“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
We’ve come full circle
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies